-written at midnight-ish-
I distinctly remember this moment ten years ago.
I remember I was sitting on a log with my friends in the Washington state woods, wearing a little earflap hat I thought was cool at the time and waiting for the fireworks to start. I had my knees hunched up to my chest and my coat zipped all the way up. My friends and siblings and I all excitedly chattered while we waited for the show.
I remember the adults who were actually watching the clock called out the official “happy new year!” When the sky lit up with fireworks over the black outline of the pine trees on the horizon and the mountains behind them. The cheers and the oohs and the aahs that went up as we all watched.
Then the full meaning behind the joking declaration of “welcome to a new decade!” hit me. And I sat there for a few minutes and had as much of an existential crisis as a ten-year-old could have.
The early 2000s were over. We were entering a whole new definitive set of years. How many things were going to change?
Not only would I get through the entire process of being a teenager (a scary enough thought), but I’d be into my twenties. A complete adult. What would have changed by then? All my deepest, darkest fears surfaced. Everything could change in ten years.
Our dogs could die. We could move far, far away and I wouldn’t have any mountains around to see by firework-light. None of the friends that were around me now would even be with me anymore. I could be a completely different person, not even remembering or caring about any of this.
And I was terrified.
For about twenty-ish seconds before I got distracted by fireworks again and then ran back inside to get more snacks.
But that moment really stuck in my head regardless.
Fast forward ten years.
Twenty-year-old me had a significantly less impressive New Year’s celebration. I had a shift at work, drank some coffee, ate some popcorn, and watched Hamlet with my family. Then when the clock struck midnight, I went outside in my pajamas to see exactly two fireworks.
I really think, if I was able to go back in time, ten-year-old Rosey would be even more terrified. My family did move across the country. I haven’t seen my best friends from back then in years. One of our dogs did die. I have a job and I do adult stuff now. And I definitely didn’t have any mountains to watch the fireworks go off by this year.
I faced all of my deepest, darkest fears in the past ten years and I do think I’m a different person now.
A lot of things changed. A lot of big scary things that I really didn’t want to change. But I’m still okay.
Moving was a good thing. I still keep in touch with my old friends, even if we aren’t as close as we used to be. I still keep a picture of our old dog next to my bed. I like my job. Being an adult isn’t bad. And I’ve learned to find beauty in more than just mountains.
I survived and I’m having a really great life now. Ten-year-old Rosey would be shocked.
And yet, I had the same sort of moment this year at midnight. Standing out there, shivering in my cold socks and oversized flannel shirt as I squinted up at the stars.
We’re going into a new decade again. What’s it gonna look like on the other side of that? What will have changed? Who will I be then?
It’s still scary. Change is always going to be scary for me.
But I know that I’m gonna be okay.
All the huge, scary changes that feel like they’re looming up in the future probably aren’t all that bad after all. Maybe some change can be good.
Here’s to the 2020s, guys.
also a good Doctor Who quote I found randomly comforting, but couldn’t find a good place to put it.
-shortened from original because in a cruel twist of fate I completely lost my Inspired Raw Version of this but-
-let’s kick the new year in the teeth right at the beginning, shall we-
That’s everyone’s dose of me being introspective and dramatic for the year. Hope you all were able to get maybe something out of that.
Love all you guys, thanks for being here, and we’ll make it through this next decade together, okay? -fingerguns- ❤
(december wrap up hopefully coming soon, I’m working on it. xD)
18 thoughts on “~new year’s thoughts~”
Ack, this is beautiful, thank you. <33
I love this a /lot/
Well, just glad it came out semi-okay the second time around. xD ❤
-fingerguns- one of my buddies who sat on that log with me. xD
man, it’s been a ride.
You know, there’s something one of the priests at our parish said once. He said the whole goal of our lives is to die and go to heaven, and when you look at life in perspective of that, everything gets way smaller. I think it’s true, and at the same time a little not true, because everything we face is getting us closer to or further from heaven. I hope the next ten years bring you closer to God every day, and that you live your life in joy instead of fear. 🙂
Ahh ❤ thanks
You’re welcome! ❤
Exactly what I’m feeling and needed to hear going into this new year\decade. 🙂
Yay! Glad my disorganized thoughts could make some impact. ❤
THANK YOU FOR THIS. I relate. So much. (You being introspective and dramatic is cool, too.) Good post.
Eeeee thank yooouu ❤
Well hey maybe I should… try being introspective and dramatic more often. maybe it won't physically pain me all the time. xD
Oohhh yes, go for it! We can't have that now can we. :'D XD
Oh gosh, I was not expecting this on my Thursday morning. Somehow, it managed to describe EXACTLY how I’m feeling (while tying in a Doctor Who quote). And you also gave me a new existential crisis or two. Anyways, that was actually quite poetic and beautiful + I’m glad that, while this decade hasn’t been what you’ve expected, you’ve made the most of it. Keep living life, girl 🙂 ❤
hey, we can existential-crisis together. -fistbump- xD
yayyy though, glad you enjoyed it. ❤ and right back atcha. watch out 2020s. 😛
Bit late to this as I’m still catch up on blogs I’ve missed since Christmas, but 1) it was awesome 2) thank you so much for sharing! 3) I share your fear of change, and I also love that Doctor Who quote and find it quite comforting, and 4) here’s another one, from my Doctor (the 13th) that I also love for the same reason:
“We’re all capable of the most incredible change! We can evolve while still staying true to who we are – we can honor who we’ve been and choose who we want to be next. Now’s your turn.”
(I think I beat you at the “bit late” game, replying to this. Wow @ me)
Ahhh thank you so much! ❤ honestly doctor who is such an amazing source for inspiring quotes. 🙂